What do you say when someone tells you they are ready to die? Today I got some sad news, my uncle was summoned to the hospital because my grandmother is very ill. This is very sad of course, but not as sad as it could be for two reasons. The first is that I had three sets of grandparents till my mid-thirties, my maternal and paternal grandparents, and my stepfathers parents, I know many are not so lucky. Two of my husband’s grandparents died before he was born and another when he was fourteen. I got to sound lots of time with them all.

The second reason is that my grandmother has been saying for at least fifteen years that she is ready to die. Being candid, she is a tiny bit of a drama queen and always has been. That said, for the last five years or so I believe her. Grandma has been an invalid for most of the time that I’ve known her. Honestly, I believe she’d have done better with a daughter. My stepdad and his brother have molly-coddled her and I reckon she’d have done far better with a bit of a kick up the butt.

The Story So Far…

She often acted like she was at death’s door but at her 90th birthday nine years ago, she stayed at the venue til midnight and up talking at home till 3am! With encouragement I reckon she could have got far more out of her life. That’s in the past though and it’s too late to change. Until the last few years she still had a decent quality of life. She read her bible, watched tv and enjoyed a good chat. 

Over the last ten years, however, she has lost my grandad, all her brothers and sisters and the majority of the friends she grew up with. She’s picked up a succession of infections, had several falls and is getting more confused. For the last few years she has stopped getting out of bed, reading her bible, or showing much interest in life. I believe she is ready to depart.

What To Say

Even if I think the way my grandma feels is understandable, what do you say? Is there any right way to respond when an elderly relative says they’re ready to die? You can try to cheer them up, chivvy them a long a bit but there is only so many times you can say it. Ok, is just wish-washy, a nothing response. I understand your feelings, or you have my support sounds cold and a bit patronising. I genuinely don’t know what you’re meant to say.

I admit, in unkinder moments I feel a bit pissed off. It’s just not a nice thing to say to people who love you is it? My dad, and even more my uncle Julian, spent a good portion of their lives looking after her, should she lay this on them too? To be a little kinder i don’t believe grandma believes her death is a bad thing. She is very religious, believes devoutly that God has a plan, and knows 100% that heaven exists and she’ll be reunited with the people she loves. In that case, why wouldn’t you want to die when that’s where you’re headed?

Ready To Die

I have very mixed feeling, as I suspect almost everyone does in this situation. If she is genuinely ready to die then I’m happy she’s finally reached the finish line. She’s almost 99 years old she’s had a good run. I’m also a little relieved, it feels like worry about her has been difficult for the family for the last few years. Caring for an elderly relative in failing health is an huge challenge and as medicine has advanced people are living longer. This is putting additional stress and responsibility on the immediate family of the elderly.

Until she was admitted to hospital last week, she was still living at home with carers coming in. Honestly, she wasn’t physically or mentally well enough anymore but she refused to consider a care home. I understand why but my uncle Julian who lives near her spent the majority of every day worried sick about her to the point he wasn’t sleeping. This, at least, will put an end to it. 

Grief comes in waves, as I found when I lost my dad and my darling old cat Saxon. There’s no predicting it, you just have to ride it out.

Whether good or bad, though, it seems inevitable her death is coming. There’ll be lots to deal with, including getting over there for the funeral. I expect it to be a rollercoaster.

Have You Been Through This? 

If you’ve had a relative say they’re ready to die I’d love to hear from you. Do you think they meant it? How did it make you feel? Most importantly, how did you respond? Let me know in the comments.