What Do You Do When You Feel Broken?
I know this sounds dramatic, but it’s the way I feel. I feel very strongly that my life has no useful purpose despite me desperately trying to inject purpose into it. Here’s what’s wrong.
Work
I’ve never found a job I enjoy for long or one that challenges me. This might be due to my aiming too low because of fear of failure. My current role is in finance which is what I want. However, the person that I’ll be covering for has been doing the job for over a decade and has it down to a fine art. I am certain I’m going to stuff it up. Being told you’re wrong 10 plus times a day wears you down.
It’s also not massively well paid, and no one else knows how to do it, so when I take a holiday, the work will just keep building up when I’m gone. I am dreading the next twelve months.
My Marriage
My marriage has changed a lot over the past couple of years. It feels like Mike’s interests and mine have massively diverged. Just when I was starting to make peace with my body, he has literally become Captain Gym. He goes every single day, sometimes twice a day. He weighs all his food. He decided on a whim based on a comment on the radio that he was going to go a year without a single takeaway. Even beyond that, he rejects food he used to eat as being too fatty.
He says his new habits don’t affect the way he feels about me, but I can just feel him judging me for my weight and what I eat. I also find having to weigh everything when I cook for him quite triggering as it hauls me back towards diet culture, which I’ve tried so hard to escape.
He is happy with his life. He collects old Apple equipment. He loves his little cat Jupiter with all his heart. He’s also recently made new friends that he spends lots of time with.
Regardless of what he says, I just don’t believe he needs me in his life. From there, it’s a short hop to not wanting me in his life.
My Family
I’m very close to my sister. It is one of the few things I haven’t massively fucked up. I love my brother, but he’s ten years younger than me, and he’s male, so we don’t have much in common. However, my biological father died a few years ago, not that we were particularly close. I am also not close in any way to my stepfather. We disagree about almost everything.
I used to be very close to my mother, but not anymore. Due to a combination of severe memory loss and depression, my mother is no longer the woman who raised me. It’s very sad, but that woman will never come. I’ve already had a grieving process for her even though her body is still alive. My Mum, as she was, is gone.
My Health
I’ve recently developed a number of health issues. They are all treatable, but lately, I’ve been considering if I even want to treat them. If I were a car, I’m pretty sure the insurance company would declare me a write-off. Maybe I should just let it happen? Stop taking all medication and let nature take its course.
What Now?
I realise this all sounds bleak, and I am sorry. I want my blog to be hopeful and uplifting, but honest to God, I just don’t have it in me right now. I want the world to stop, or maybe I want to stop existing in it. My only concern with that notion is Jayne. I know it would hit her very hard. I love her and would never want to cause her pain.
I’m sure Mike would be sad for a while, but as I explained, he’s moved on without me already; he simply doesn’t realise it.
My mother, I’m pretty sure would forget I wasn’t there so it wouldn’t be too bad for her.
Please don’t worry. I’m not planning on doing anything about these thoughts. I don’t think I’m actually suicidal, more so utterly fed up with myself that I have no idea what to do. I question why I should continue to inflict myself on others. If I poofed out of existence, life would go on, and many people would be better off. I have no idea where i go from here.
