Undiagnosed Mental Illness. Advice Please, What Is Wrong With My Husband?
In today’s post, I’m not going to answer questions as I usually do. Instead, I’m going to ask one. The question is, does my husband have an undiagnosed mental illness? As awful as it sounds for a wife to say, I think the answer is yes and possibly more than one. Physically, he used to have a fatty liver which thankfully is now cured. He also has coeliac disease, and we have now discovered a rare kidney condition caused by a defective gene that will lead to dialysis or a transplant in the future.
However, as much as these are all a big worry for me, I am somewhat more concerned about his mental health. Physically he knows what he needs to do. He has treatment plans, and he seems content to follow them. However, emotionally he largely refuses to see that there is a problem and, the majority of the time, will not talk to me about it.
Do These Problems Sound Like An Undiagnosed Mental Illness?
Here’s what we are dealing with.
Problem 1: Anxiety
My major mental health problem is depression, but Mike’s is definitely anxiety. This is absolutely not an undiagnosed mental illness; it’s a fact. He is frequently anxious and has had panic attacks. He has been prescribed beta-blockers to deal with this, but a lot of the time, it doesn’t work. Possibly he takes it too late, and by then, the panic attack cannot be stopped? If you take beta-blockers for anxiety, please let me know your experiences.
He used to take antidepressants but found that they did nothing for his symptoms. His treatment of choice now is exercise. You might think this is a good thing, and to an extent, it is. It works for him and mostly controls his symptoms. However, I feel that he has become obsessive about exercise. He exercises every single day almost without fail. The only times he doesn’t go are when he’s extremely tired or when he’s ill. Only he can make that choice, though.
The problem for me is that regardless of what I have going on or if I may need him, I am unable to ask him not to go. It is simply not worth the emotional fallout. I don’t know whether the anxiety increase caused by him not going is genuine or whether he has convinced himself that he needs to work out every day or else anxiety will be there, and he almost talks himself into it.
I would like to say we’ve talked about this, and in all fairness, we have many times. But he is one of the least emotionally aware people I know, and this brings me neatly to point two; he does not seem to be able to grasp opinions outside of his own.
Problem 2: Lack Of Emotional Intelligence
I don’t mean that in a debate or a talk about current affairs, he can’t see the other person’s side; of course he can do that. However, if he believes something as it relates to him, he cannot see that he might be wrong. For example, my sister pointed out to him that yes, he wants to go to the gym tonight to kick off his monthly challenge on his Apple Watch. However, we were all having a nice evening, and she suggested he sit with the feeling of discomfort at not going, that it might be good for him.
This was completely alien to him. He said he had done this before, and it didn’t feel nice. I tried it make the point that it’s not supposed to feel nice. Sometimes, doing the work to unpack your mental health problems is hard, painful, and uncomfortable. It was like talking to a brick wall.
I’m trying to make the case that if he feels he has to go to the gym every day, sometimes more than once, to manage his anxiety, that crosses the line into obsession. Even if it’s not obsessive, it’s putting a band-aid over the problem and not doing anything to deal with the underlying issues. Mike refuses to accept that. As far as he’s concerned, it’s working, so what’s the problem?
Am I overreacting here? I don’t feel it’s healthy that he must go to the gym every day and that I am not permitted ever to ask him not to go. I have done this a few times in the past. On those occasions, he worked himself up into a panic all day and blamed me for being so unreasonable and making him worse. Am I really a b*tch for asking him not to go very occasionally? We’re talking maybe once every couple of months at most.
Problem 3: Shutting Down
When Mike gets overloaded, he shuts down. This can be at a social gathering, if we’re at a busy supermarket, or if we get into a very emotional discussion. He withdraws into himself completely. He either runs away from the situation or goes extremely quiet and goes on his phone, or if he can, he goes to bed. I’m fairly certain this is a symptom of some undiagnosed illness, but I don’t know which one.
Problem 4: A Complete Refusal To Deal With His Problems
Mike hates talking about his issues because a) he doesn’t really believe he has any mental health problems other than anxiety, and b) he finds it very hard to articulate his feelings.
I think deep down, he’s afraid. Like, absolutely terrified. There are no go places in his psyche. If you go anywhere near them, it prompts either a tantrum or a refusal to talk about it. I do understand fear, but it’s not healthy to give in to it! I don’t know whether this is an element of an undiagnosed mental illness or part of his anxiety.
I don’t want this to seem one-sided of like i’m a saint. I have many emotional problems, too and I’m no picnic to live with, but Mike’s issues do make my life harder; here are some of the ways:
- He gets anxious going busy places, so often he’ll drive me to a shop, but I have to go in and get whatever it is
- He prioritises exercise over anything. If he feels he has to go to the gym, he goes. I then have to cook dinner, feed our cats, wait for deliveries, etc.
- He goes to the gym when it opens before work because he gets anxious if it’s too busy. That means he’s tired after work and often needs to take a nap. Sometimes he doesn’t get up until past 7 pm, meaning once we’ve done a few chores and had dinner, there’s not much of the evening left to spend together. It’s not a huge problem but it can be frustrating over time.
- He’s a terrible procrastinator. There are some things around the house that he can do that I can’t, and I have to nag him to do them. I get fed up, he gets cranky, and we end up arguing.
- His refusal to talk about the big issues means we very seldom resolve them. So we end up having the same arguments over and over again. I find this emotionally very draining. I think he could benefit from counselling on his own, and we could benefit from couples counselling. However, he has seen a few counsellors through the NHS, and they admittedly weren’t great. Counsellors are a very mixed bag, though, and you have to look until you find the right one. Mike has written the whole process off as useless and refuses to even consider it. It’s hard to find out if he has an undiagnosed mental illness if he won’t see anyone. He’ll talk to his GP but they are generalists, we need a specialist.
- EVERYTHING is someone else’s fault – usually mine. If he’s driving and he takes the wrong turning, it’s my fault because I didn’t remind him. He takes no responsibility for his own actions or even his life sometimes. It’s tiring being told “that’s your fault because…” over and over again.
I Do Love My Husband
After all of that, it may sound like Mike is a difficult or horrible person, and that’s not what I want to convey. He has many, many good points, but I haven’t talked about them because they’re not the focus of this piece. He is extremely loving, always prepared to do things for me; he tries to look after me when I’m feeling sick or miserable; he has unshakeable faith in my abilities and encourages me in everything I do. He is not a bad person; he’s lovely most of the time.
I firmly believe his problems are due to an undiagnosed mental illness, but I don’t know how to go about getting a diagnosis. I also worry that Mike would be unwilling to go the work even if we got a diagnosis. So, I throw it open to all of you. Does any of this sound like anyone you know? Do they have a mental illness, or do you suspect they have an undiagnosed mental illness too? All thoughts are welcome, but please be kind.
