The Pain Of Loss – A Post To My Beautiful Saxon
I normally write each blog post hoping to use my experiences to enlighten others and use my experiences to help you, my dear readers. But, today, I’m making a change. This post is just for me. Yesterday we had to take my gorgeous old man Saxon, my cat, to the vet to send him on his final journey. His loss has left a massive hole in my life and heart.
I feel so much pain right now. When he died, Saxon was nineteen years old, and we adopted him nine years ago. He was a quiet, dignified gentleman. He was never one for cuddles, but he still showed his love every day. He loved his dinner, basking in the sun and sleeping. He was endlessly good-natured and faced adversity without ever getting cranky.
He Faced A Lot Of Adversity
We didn’t know when we adopted him, but Saxon had contracted FIV, or feline AIDS. It works the same way as human AIDS and Saxon was immuno-compromised. We thought we would lose him quickly, but he lasted nine whole years. The FIV caused painful ulcerations and glaucoma on his eyes and he lost one and then the other.
Even though his treatment sometimes required sixteen eye drops per day he took it all with good grace. He never growl, clawed or bit. He accepted it even thougni’m sure it hurt. He was actually a happier, more relaxed boy after he lost his eyes. He still lived his life the same way. He went outside to sleep in the sunshine. He jumped up on the couches and beds. He was wonderful.
The End
The suddenness of the ending was shocking for me. One day he was fine, or so we thought. The next day, he stopped eating and the day after that he was gone. It turned out he’d been going into kidney failure for some time. This is common for older cats but we had had no idea he was so ill. I cried for most of Friday night until 1pm on Saturday when we finally said goodbye.
The tears have stopped now but I feel a constant ache in my heart. I keep looking outside and expecting to see him lying in his usual spot.
DON’T Say “It Was Just A Cat”
If you’re not an animal lover you may struggle to understand my grief. Please believe me that Saxon was an integral part of my family life. I loved him more than I can tell you. Every bit as much as I would love a human. I would have run into a burning building to get him out and killed anyone who attempted to hurt him.The fact that he wasn’t human did nothing to lessen my love or make his loss any less painful.
Don’t You Have Other Cats?
Yes, I do. But let me ask you, would you say that to a parent who lost a child? No? Well don’t say it to me or anyone else who loses a beloved pet! Cats have their own quirks and personalities. They aren’t lightbulbs and you can’t just stick in another if you lose one. Saxon was irreplaceable to me and the sense of loss I feel has broken my heart.
Grief
This is the only part of the article that’s not a eulogy for Saxon. I want to remind you that there is no “right” way to grieve. Whether it’s a pet, or a human the process is the same. So, please remember these key facts:
- How you feel is valid
- Take all the time you need to process it
- Don’t feel silly. They were an important part of your life and you loved them
- Don’t be bullied into getting a new pet or not getting a new pet. Only you can decide when you’re ready
For now, I’m going to take time to mourn my loss and miss my Saxon. Take care til next time xx
