New Year, Same Old Depression!
Hi Musers. Today we’re returning to mental health, and depression in particular. The new year is supposed to be a hopeful time of year for everyone, particularly after the last two years when we’ve all suffered through Covid-19. Many people are making plans to take up a new hobby, build positive habits, or give up one of their vices. I’ve written an article specifically targeting what I plan to achieve this year, which is unusual for me. Usually, I approach the year with a tentative “what now?” vibe.
However, for many of us, the start of the New Year doesn’t necessarily mean a happy, hopeful feeling. It’s challenging when depression reaches out from its pit with its terrible scaly claw and drags us down.
The Story So Far
I did start the year happily enough. I’d had a relatively relaxing Christmas and enjoyed taking time off from both my full-time job and my additional writing commitments. I enjoyed spending time with my husband, watching Christmas films and the fact that fairy lights become ubiquitous at Christmas. Even the ugliest housing estate becomes beautiful when lights are twinkling everywhere. No snow, sadly, but you can’t have everything.
On the morning of the third of January, though, depression struck. I think I was aware of it before I even fully woke up. I could feel the heaviness pressing into my heart as I lay in bed. I tried to sleep later to avoid having to face it and managed an uneasy doze for an hour or so.
I tried my best to push depression away. I got up, got dressed, slathered on my sunscreen and went downstairs for breakfast. It was our last day off, so Mike, Jayne and I ate chestnut soup for lunch and watched Return of the King. We watch The Lord of the Rings ultra-long version every year after Christmas. It takes so long we need several days and multiple sittings! I love it, though.
I tried to put on my game face. I smiled, I laughed, we joked about various parts of the movie and kept the tea flowing. Inside was a different story. It felt my misery was screaming, a long despairing howl that embodied how hopeless I was feeling. I couldn’t believe I was here again.
Depression Is A Bitch
It seems no matter what I do, the periods of remission are getting shorter. I’ve tried various medications, citalopram worked the longest, and I miss it.
I’ve tried therapy, but the NHS only provides short sessions, and I can’t afford to pay privately right now. Also, the quality of the counsellor you are assigned varies massively. The only one I felt I made any progress with was from a small number of private sessions paid for by my employee assistance program at work.
I’ve tried exercise, eating a balanced diet, keeping to a sleep schedule, cannabis oil, changing jobs and starting a blog. Nothing “fixes” me long term. I may have to accept it always will be there and keep working on my coping strategies.
I know this sounds like I’m just whining, but I promise that’s not the point of this article. The point is that shit happens. Even if you aren’t clinically depressed, everyone goes through periods where their mood is low, and life seems like a struggle. That is ok. I don’t believe anyone is happy all the time; it isn’t possible.
You Will Be Ok
I put this out there to let you know if you’re reading all the positive articles and feeling that everyone else has their life together, or at least a plan to do so, you’re wrong. Many of us hide our depression from the world. We laugh and joke and wear our smiles like armour. Inside, though, we are dragging ourselves through each minute by our fingertips!
So if you feel that way right now, go easy on yourself. Remember that feeling sad sometimes is normal, and this too shall pass. Hug a loved one, take a nap, write your feelings down even if it’s just for you and no one will ever read them. As a Brit, my suggestion to make anything better will always be a sit-down, a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. Maybe that doesn’t extend beyond these shores, though!
Seriously, whatever you feel you need to do, look after yourself and give it time. You will be ok.
