Hi Musers, as two of the key themes on this blog are body acceptance and mental health today I’m going to talk about how they affect each other. It is a chicken and egg problem…does society’s thin agenda make us feel bad about our bodies which causes depression? Or does poor mental health make us less likely to be able to deal with the negative stereotypes and fatphobia of society? It hits us harder and becomes part of the spiral of negative self talk that depression causes. Or finally is negative body image and poor mental health a vicious circle? Constantly feeding from one another. In this series we’ll take a look. Part 1 is my story.

My Experience – Depression First

My weight was in the “normal range” til I was 12 so fatphobia wasn’t a factor for me. I was brought up in a household with 2 depressed parents and was always a bit socially awkward, though. My sister did a lot better at the whole making friends thing. Living in a house of blazing rows, tears, low moods and constantly walking on eggshells took its toll. I’m sure my depression began in secondary school, I started comfort eating and put on a lot of weight. Being the fat and weird kid made me even more of an outcast.

A combination of bullying, depression and feeling fatter and uglier than the rest of the girls sent me into what I now see was a major episode of depression at 15. I barely washed, my hair was matted and filthy, and I had no interest in life anymore. Eventually I told my mum about the bullying and she spoke to the school. They were great and it stopped. It didn’t magically make me popular though.

University Helped

When I left and went to university I was happier. Spending time with a wider range of people and knowing I was choosing to be there made a huge difference. Fatphobia still existed though. Working with my negative thoughts to tell me how much fatter I was than the other girls. This was reinforced by struggling to find clothes my size in shops. It’s better now than it was but still a huge problem. I tried diets…failed. Went through punishing sessions at the gym…failed. A miracle eating plan!…failed. Fat burning tablets…failed!!! I’m sure you get the idea.

Through all this time I lived at home and was exposed to the toxic environment there. Fatphobia made me wary of seeking friends to live with as who would want to live with the fat chick? All of this dented my belief in myself and held me back.

The Cycle Begins

When I left university my negative body image and poor mental health held me back in almost every aspect of my life. I was too scared to go for promotions at work as I thought that they would take one look at me and assume I was a lazy slacker. Even if they didn’t and I got the job my negative self talk told me I’d suck at it so I’d better not risk it and stick with what I know.

The lack of stimulation and challenge in my working life made my depression worse. This is turn made my negative self image worse. Why try to make friends, who’d want to be friends with a fat downer like you? What guy would want to be with a fat chick when there’s so many thin happy girls? I was so desperate for validation I didn’t always make good choices which would make me feel like a tramp. My depression and self image just fed off each other. Even when I met, fell in love with and married my wonderful husband they had their claws in me and I felt unhappy a lot.

The Turning Point

I’m delighted to say I was able to turn my life around when I was at a really low point. My depression was awful and I knew I just could not go on another diet. That’s when I discovered body positivity. My sister bought me Body Positive Power by Megan Jayne Crabbe and my eyes were open. I won’t go into the story of how it turned my life around. I’ve written all about it here. When I truly embraced body acceptance, learned about the soulless manipulation of the beauty, fashion and diet industries and learned that bigger bodies can be beautiful my life changed.

When I started feeling good about myself, dressing the way I wanted, wearing bright colours, and being unapologetic about my appearance a huge component of my depression disappeared. I won’t say I never get depressed cos I do. I’ve talked about it lots. However being constantly affected by thinness and diet culture which is everywhere did impact my mood a lot. Also, learning to be resilient when faced with fatphobia has helped build my coping skills. I recently accepted a promotion in my new job and it’s going well 😃👍. I have this blog and all you lovely people. My life is infinitely better than it was. 🤞 I can keep building and improving.

Next Time…

That’s it for now Musers, next time we’ll discuss the ultimate negative body image and poor mental health intersection – eating disorders. Please feel free to pop any thoughts, questions or suggestions in the comments 👇 See you soon!

Love CMoo xx