My Battle To Become The Real Me – Art, Colour, Pain And Boredom
Hi Musers. A theme that runs through this blog is my battle to become the real me. That’s not to say that I haven’t been the real me up to this point, but I feel like things that I was prepared to do; the ways I was prepared to look; the actions I was prepared to take were all restrained to a certain extent.
The reason for this is twofold. The first is decades of both internalised and external fatphobia, and the second is my struggles with my mental health. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and those things coupled with my fatphobia have a big impact on my self-confidence.
My Progress
Over the last few years since I discovered body liberation, I have started to wear brighter makeup and brighter coloured clothing. I love bright clothes, and they make me feel happier. However, that’s the point where I fumbled the ball.
I have realised that I wasn’t doing anything permanent. Nothing that I couldn’t tone down or minimise if I chose. If I felt I was going somewhere where I didn’t want to wear brightly coloured clothes, I could go back to something more muted and reserved. I could choose to scale back my progress. Obviously, I’m not talking about funerals or job interviews. I mean places surrounded by standard-sized women where my insecurities flooded back, like at weddings, for example. So, I was part of the way there, but I wasn’t brave enough to go further.
What Changed
Two main things have prompted me to take the extra steps. Firstly, I turned 40 last year and so did my sister. We’ve all been held prisoner by coronavirus for over a year, so no big celebration or acknowledgement was possible for me.
Secondly, I did a lot of soul-searching during that year. It was a time to work on how far I still have to go in my battle to become the real me. I’ve also had the benefit of an entire year writing this blog now, and as much as I write to help others, I’m sure you can’t be surprised to learn that I also write to help myself.
It’s sort of like a snapshot of where I am at any point in time. It has become part of my inner work dealing with the damage to my self-esteem all those years and decades of hating my body have caused. Now I’ve done the unpacking and exploration, I decided it was time to take some big steps. They may not seem like big steps to you, but believe me, they are huge for me.
Step One
Once the decision was made, I took both of the steps in the space of a week. The first you heard about in my post last week. It was getting a tattoo, which is a big step in itself as I’ve never had one. What makes it a bigger step is it’s on my arm, so it’s not somewhere you can conveniently hide and be sure nobody else will ever see if you don’t want them to.
You can read all about my tattooing and the subsequent tattoo flu if you’re interested in learning more. All I’ll say here is that I love it, and I’m so glad I took the plunge. I went for it and moved one step closer to the real me.
Step 2
A tattoo is a pretty big deal, so I don’t blame you for wondering what on earth step 2 can be in my battle to become the real me. This week… drum roll please… I dyed my hair. You’re probably thinking, “Oh well, she’s a brunette maybe she’s gone blonde or even a bit more daring and become a redhead. You’re also probably thinking that it’s not all that big a step. You’d be wrong, though! This is how I look now.
You weren’t expecting that, were you? Now it’s done I love my new hair and have no regrets whatsoever.
What Stopped Me doing These Things Before
I’ve thought long and hard about why I was so hesitant to take these steps, and here’s what I’ve come up with.
- I was ok drawing a certain amount of attention to myself, but only within certain limits. I was afraid of being trolled and getting more hateful comments if I went all the way. Now I say fuck ’em.
- I was afraid it might hold me back at work. I imagine there are companies out there where unusual hair or tattoos would count against you. I decided I didn’t want to work in those places.
- I was worried I might hate it. This is a reasonable worry as tattoos are permanent. However, if I researched thoroughly first and chose a style, design, and artist I loved, that wouldn’t happen. If I hated my hair, then that would be easy, more dye!
- I was afraid of the pain of a tattoo. I decided if millions of people have gotten tattoos, I can cope too. I’m not afraid of needles at all, which is a good start.
My Battle To Become The Real Me Continues
As proud as I am of myself for taking these steps, the battle to become the real me is not over. I still have lots I want to achieve. I want to post a photo of myself on Instagram in a bikini. I’m already planning my second tattoo. I want to focus on deciding my short, medium, and long-term goals and begin working towards them. I want my life to make me happy and excited and proud every single day. It starts now. Who’s with me?
