Hi Musers,

I’ll be honest I’m not doing great at the moment. My anti-depressants haven’t been working well, and my mood has been declining steadily. I’ve been trying to pretend to myself it wasn’t happening. I’ve been doing all the things that I’ve recommended here at CMooMuses in the past. I have exercised, tried to eat better, gotten lots of rest and tried to do things that make me happy. Nothing’s working. I’ve tried to put off switching to new anti-depressants because I’m scared. It means my anti-depressants have stopped working. I wouldn’t be so frightened if this were the first time, but it isn’t. Before Citalopram, I’ve tried Fluoxetine, Sertraline and Mirtazapine. 

Why Is That Such A Big Deal? You’ve Said Before That Getting The Meds Right Is More Art Than Science.

I’m feeling anxious because of my mum. She has been on every anti-depressant out there and then some. None of them worked long-term. Admittedly she was her own worst enemy. She refused to do anything to get better besides take pills. They had to stop sending a community psychiatric nurse to her because she refused to do anything they suggested. I treat her behaviour as a dire warning about what can happen if you give yourself over to your mental illness. It’s the reason I fight so hard. That being said, one of the risk factors of being medication-resistant is if you have a close family member who is. There’s no escaping the fact that my anti-depressants have stopped working again. What if I never find the right medication and have to suffer bouts of depression forever?

Time To Pull Up My Big Girl Pants

Yes, it’s a possibility that I’m resistant, but resistant does not mean immune. There is no reason to think that Venlafaxine won’t make me feel a lot better. That’s why I spoke to my doctor and agreed to make the switch. The problem is I have to wean myself off the Citalopram before I can try it. I knew this was the case and that I needed to change meds, so I actually started this process before I spoke to my GP. As a result, I only have a week to go before starting taking the new tablets. That means that right now, I’m on the lowest dose of medication that I’ve been on in years. I also know that when I do start taking Venlafaxine, it’ll be weeks before I feel the effects. So the upshot is I’m in for a shitty few weeks.

What I Am Managing

• I am going to work every day. It’s getting increasingly difficult, but I plaster my game face on and make it work. Next week I’ll be unmedicated, it’s going to be crazy busy, and I have to be in the office two days instead of three. It’s going to be tough.
• I get washed and dressed every day. I brush my teeth, wash my face and put on sunscreen.
• Writing this blog and completing my paid writing commitments.
• Keep exercising. It’s only a 15-minute walk a lot of the time, but I’ll take it.
• Feeding my cats.
• Helping my husband keep the house clean.

What I Am Not Managing

• I can’t pretend I’m ok outside of work. My poor husband has to put up with me being anxious, tearful and very, very irritable. 
• I can’t keep up with my fat acceptance posts on Instagram, and I haven’t posted anything in weeks. Clearly, I’ll lose followers, but it can’t be my focus right now.
• There’s no enthusiasm for very much of anything. Besides things I have to do, I pretty much lie around and watch tv.
• I can’t be bothered to socialise even if lockdown allowed it.
• Cooking is something I love normally, but I have so little energy. A lot of the stuff I’m making is pre-prepared.

How I Feel

Anxiety 25/10

Depression 7/8

Coping Level 5/10

Moving Forward

That’s all for now. I’ve admitted my anti-depressants have stopped working. I’ve admitted it to all of you and, more importantly, to myself. I will continue to update you on my switch to Venlafaxine, side effects, how my mood is and so on. I hope it will help if you’re going to start taking it or any other SSRI. If you’re going through a similar experience, I also hope it’ll make you feel less alone. Take care, my Musers.