Living In Denial – The 1 Key Truth I Choose To Ignore
Ok, choose to ignore might be unfair and a bit of an overstatement, but while working through therapy and doing my own work it has become clear to me that there are definitely parts of me that are hidden. I am probably not doing this deliberately and living in denial is probably a survival strategy for a lot of us, even those who haven’t experienced trauma. There are part of us that we don’t like, truths we can’t deal with right now, etc.
One interesting thing that I have noticed since I began this series of blogs based on the Spread Book by The Tarot Diagnosis is that the spreads seem to appear almost exactly when I need them. This may be quite deliberate. After all, Shannon Knight is a licensed mental health professional and may have structured the spreads deliberately. Or possibly, there are several paths I could take and once I see the spread one of the paths lights up in my head, drawing my attention to it.
This is the spread that has lit up today’s path for me and pointed out the living in denial idea.
Recent Illuminations
I’ll be honest, considering there is no structure I am surprised to note that I have learned several big truths about myself since I started therapy. Here are some of the key truths I have learned.
- I am a doer. This is a trauma personality that I developed as a child. My self-esteem relates to what I accomplish – ticking things off my to-do list, scoring high marks in exams, coping with big tasks without asking for help.
- I look after other people, that is my “job”. I feel guilty if I let others look after me for too long. To add this to the first point, if I’m not doing things or looking after others then what is the point of me? What is my value in this world?
- I have an anxious attachment style
- I have CPTSD (Complex PTSD)
- I feel like letting go of my anger about my childhood involves letting go of my mother and stepfather. Not necessarily true but I don’t feel like they add any value to my life.
I think you’ll agree, none of that equals a healthy mindset for someone to have. I know that it’s not true and that I need to change but it’s not that simple is it? There’s a huge difference between knowing and truly believing. I know I have value as a person. Even if I am being brutally honest about my flaws I know I am a good, nice person. I genuinely care about others, I like taking care of people, I want the world to be a better place, I make an absolutely banging Victoria Sponge, this list goes on…
The Problem / Living In Denial
It might not be living in denial per se, but the problem is that I can’t keep the fact that I’m a good person at the forefront of my kind all the time. When we’re going about our day-to-day lives, our brain reverts to its default settings. Trauma has engraved itself deeply in my mind and helped construct the thoughts and effects I described above. They took decades to form and these thoughts and behaviours will not be undone overnight. It is a matter of constant vigilance, challenging my thoughts all the time. It’s bloody exhausting! Sadly, though, it’s the only way I’ll change. The only way I’ll get better.
Can I have a childish whinge for a second? It’s just so BLOODY UNFAIR!! These thoughts, behaviours and traumas were imposed on me. It was not my choice and I had no power to stop it occurring. I never asked for this. I deserved to have a better childhood, a better life.
Of course, a lot of people have had a shitty childhood, many of them far, far worse than mine. This world is not perfect, parents aren’t perfect, schools sure as hell aren’t perfect! None of this may be my fault but it doesn’t mean it’s not my job to fix it because it is. No one else is going to do it, no one else can. So, I need to explore all my blind spots and try and get real with myself.
My Card Draw
As ever, once I’ve decided on my spread I also need to decide which of my tarot decks I’m going to use. There were several candidates but I decided on the Fifth Spirit tarot as it’s great at shining a light on alternative perspectives and truths. If I’m living in denial it seems like a perfect deck to call me on it.
My process is to shuffle hand over hand until one card is clearly sticking out. I do this for each card in the spread. Here are the cards that stuck out for this spread.
The Solution I Seek – Ace of Cups. I want to let the emotions flow freely from my heart and allow them to help connect deeply to others but more importantly, myself. I want to love myself and truly believe I am a good person. I also want to connect to my spirituality and nurture my connection to the universe. Lisa Papez uses the keyword blessings for this card so I could focus on all the blessings I already have in my life. By embracing gratitude positive thoughts can follow.
The Solution I Ignore – Page of Wands. Here’s a wild idea, if I stop coking up with a giant list of all the reasons I can’t do something and just give it a damn try I may change in amazing ways. I operate from a position of fear, always. So scared of messing up and getting it wrong. I know this massively limits my life. Also, this card celebrates the journey. I see the Ace of Cups as a destination card. My heart is open, the emotions flow and i am deeply connected.
The Page of Wands is about mixing shit up, getting crazy. Maybe instead of worrying about where I want to get to I need to try things cos they could like fun, just because. I need to ignite my sense of adventure and try some new things. The words “I can’t because…” no longer exist.
What Are Your Blindspots?
So, we’ve peering into my dark little corners, and I’ve held my hands up and admitted I’m living in denial but are you doing it too? If you try this spread or have any other thoughts please feel free to pop it in the comments. Take care of yourself, mind, body and soul.
