I know “It’s ok to not be ok” is bandied around a lot. It’s easy to say but much harder to believe. Yesterday it was something I had to work on as I had a mini breakdown. I was hoping things were starting to level out on my new meds, but over the last few days, my mood plummeted again. My sister and I were bickering, I had a massive fight with Mike, and I cried, which is very unusual. As I explained in my pieces on depression, I very rarely cry; I just feel numb.

A key theme at CMooMuses is self-love. About learning to reject diet culture and society’s thin agenda. I want everyone to realise that all bodies are beautiful, not just thin, white, straight, cis-gender ones. I’m sure a lot of people think body liberation activists are lying to themselves. That they really want to lose weight and just pretend they don’t, to cover for the fact they’re too weak to do it. THIS IS NOT TRUE. I genuinely am happy with my body and love it as it is. I see the beauty in all body types, sizes, shapes, colours, genders and levels of ability.

Damn You Diet Culture!

HOWEVER, diet culture is insidious. It’s so ingrained from so many sources over decades that it’s difficult, almost impossible, to break free entirely. My problem, believe it or not, is my wonderful husband, Mike. A couple of years ago, he got a fatty liver diagnosis. It can cause severe damage over time, so he decided to be healthier. All very sensible, I hear you say. Yes, to a point. The thing with Mike is that I believe he has some form of Autistic Spectrum Disorder. It’s never been diagnosed, but one of the signs he has is becoming strangely obsessed with his interests.

Unfortunately for me, that interest now includes the gym. Initially, he went a few times a week and tried to eat better, which was fine. Over time it increased, though. Now, he goes to the gym every single day for an hour and a half, sometimes twice a day. He weighs everything he eats and is obsessed with protein. That is all pretty triggering for me, and he can’t understand why I ask him to stop talking about calories and macros to me. He just sees it as my not supporting him.

Enter The Argument

Last night we got into a pretty big argument about it. I explained I feel abandoned that he’s away so much. I also explained that I feel he’s judging me for what I eat. He insists that he’s not. The problem is, during a bad patch a couple of years ago, he told me he’d find me a tiny bit more attractive if I was thinner. That caused me more pain than I can describe, and I still carry the scar. He insists he loves me with all his heart and does find me attractive. He also says he’s just worried from a health point of view. We do have a very good relationship, and he looks after me when I’m struggling, so we got past it.

Yesterday, though, all my insecurities came out in full force. Mike tried his best to comfort me, but he couldn’t magically take back what he said to me all those years ago. Hence the big argument about the gym, his obsessiveness, self-esteem, body positivity, and anything else you can think of. I cried a lot and still feel pretty awful today.

So, what can I do? Not a lot. There is no magic wand to sort out my depression. When I check in with my doctor in 2 weeks, I might need to ask to increase my dose of antidepressants. I need to practice as much self-care as I can. I’ll be getting a lot of sleep and taking more time for myself than usual. Most of all, I’ll be working on accepting it’s ok to not be ok. I can’t cope all the time, and there’s a limit to how much I can plaster a smile on my face and push through. I need help sometimes, whether that’s medical help, self-help or support from my loved ones.

It’s Going To Be Ok

That’s the point of this blog, and it’s something I want you all to understand. No one is ok all the time.No one CAN be ok all the time. Some of our peaks and troughs are worse than those of others, but we all go through it. Anyone who says they haven’t had a day where they want to pull the blankets over their head and stop existing for a while is lying. As REM said, “Everybody Hurts” I say this to all the male Musers out there too. Just because you’re a man does not mean you’re expected just to tough it out. You can be in pain, and you can cry, and you can need help. Why? Because IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK.