Instagram. Why Do Men Think It’s Ok To Flirt With Strangers In Their DMs?
Is it now okay for men to make unsolicited advances via DM?
I admit I came fairly late to the Instagram party. I was on Facebook and when Instagram started to blow up I just didn’t see the point. I always saw the text as the important thing in my Facebook posts and I had the option to post photos too. What did IG add to that?
Where Instagram Meets Body Positivity
My opinions started to change around the time I discovered body liberation. I was trying to actively seek out images of women of all sizes and shapes to normalise it for me. To learn to appreciate their beauty. I’d had a steady diet of thin airbrushed women for 30+ years everywhere I turned around. If I was going to learn to appreciate the beauty of my body I needed to appreciate it in others first. It might sound a bit backward but loving myself seemed impossible and we’re always far more critical of ourselves than of others, aren’t we? That was the first in the IG waters.
Now nearly 3 years on I post almost daily. I mostly post pictures of myself as part of the all bodies are beautiful narrative. I’m trying to show other women they are beautiful too. I’m trying to get larger bodies out there so it does become mainstream. I’m also enjoying being part of the body acceptance community. That is my goal. That’s all I want.
I was nervous when I started as I’d heard lots of the more prominently featured ladies attracted a lot of hate. Insults, telling them they’re glorifying obesity, that their weight is going to kill them and so on. So far I’m happy to report I’ve had none of that. What I have had that I didn’t expect was roughly 10 unsolicited DMs a day from men.
Let me set the scene for you. While many body-positive ladies do post pictures in their underwear to make the point all bodies can be beautiful and sexy I don’t and never have. I have no problem with those who do, but I am always fully clothed. There’s usually a full-length shot to show off my outfit of the day and maybe one of my face. I state clearly in my profile that I am happily married. As far as I can tell I give off no signals that I am looking for male attention whatsoever.
Then It Gets Weird
All of my posts speak about body positivity only. As all my hashtags were around self-acceptance and body positivity I was slightly surprised to note that a fair number of men had started to follow me. Initially, I didn’t give it much thought and kept doing my thing. One day though I got a message from a friend via IG and as I was responding noticed seventy-three message requests in the top corner. I didn’t know that you will only receive a DM into your inbox if you follow the person. Other than that they all go here. These are the types of messages I was getting.
I know these seem pretty tame. Thankfully I’ve only received one d*ck pic so far! The ones asking me to be their sugar baby just make me cringe. Even the others make me uncomfortable because almost universally these men follow the same pattern. They follow me, like most of all of my posted pictures in one hit and then DM me. I know they’re not interested in what I’m posting because they don’t ever comment on my pictures and try to get a dialogue going. No, they go straight for the DMs.
This coupled with the fact that the messages start “Hi sexy” and “Hi beautiful” tells me they’re looking to start some kind of intimate relationship. I have absolutely no interest in this. I routinely delete the messages and block anyone who sends anything overtly sexual but there’s no way to stop more coming through.
This brings us back to my original question —when did it become common/ok to hit on girls on Instagram? I’d hesitate to call my messages sexual harassment most of the time but there are a lot of messages which can be overwhelming. I have also heard stories of ladies with bigger followings getting some horrific messages which are completely unacceptable and I won’t repeat here. Why is this happening?
Are we still living in a world where, if a woman puts herself out there in any capacity or format, she’s opening herself up to these advances? Why are men using IG in this way when there are so many free dating apps available for those looking for a relationship or a hookup? A brief search on google showed me at least 20 so why are these men perverting Instagram and using it as their own “pick a date” directory?
It can’t be to save money, surely? Many dating and hook up sites are free. Does it ever work for them? I’d say surely not because I can’t imagine any woman I know responding positively to it. If it doesn’t work though why would so many do it? Is it the social media equivalent of hitting on every attractive woman in a bar regardless of whether she seems interested or not?
Are Women Safe And Respected Anywhere These Days?
I know no part of the internet can be considered a safe space as such but I find this worrying. It has gradually become less acceptable to catcall at women in public so has it just moved online? Is it limited to men -> women or do women do it to men too? Do gay men/women do it to each other? Am I being naive believing that any part of the internet should be considered free of sexual games and the pursuit of date or casual sex?
Does IG need some sort of flag that says you are or are not looking for dates? If they did implement one, would anyone pay attention to them? Will some people always approach people they find attractive whatever signals they put out or how disinterested they seem?
I had hoped to find a safe space to learn more about fat acceptance, meet like-minded people and continue my journey to self-love. In general, IG is that space and this is a minor, unpleasant side-effect. It’s one as a woman that I’ve become accustomed to dealing with but I can’t shake the feeling that in this situation I shouldn’t have to.
