I’m not ok (I promise) Stress is a productivity killer!
Hi Musers, I’m starting today with a shout out and credit to the fabulous band My Chemical Romance. Their song provided part of the title for today’s blog. This blog will be published later today and that’s unusual for me. I try to have my blogs written a couple of weeks ahead. This is so if any emergencies or problems spring up they’ll still go out on schedule. One thing I couldn’t bear would be letting you all down. Lately though, I’ve been struggling with my mental health. I’ve been exhausted and generally, I feel overwhelmed. Sadly this has meant my productivity has gone through the floor.
What’s been happening?
Nothing! No cause to explain my low mood at all. I have no idea why I’m feeling so down. That’s one of the most frustrating parts of depression, to be honest. There is no why and so nothing you can do to make it better. You just have to be kind to yourself, lean on loved ones, and ride it out.
My tiredness may be down to my chronic fatigue or it may be a symptom of my depression. There’s no way to know. No test or diagnostic that will tell me. Like the depression, I have to take it easy and wait for it to pass. The problem is I’m in a period of change. I’m trying to improve my life. Sitting back and waiting for a time when I’m better risks me losing all the progress I’ve made. What does that do? Makes me feel more anxious and depressed! So my productivity suffers, which makes me feel worse. And so the cycle continues!
Being overwhelmed is due to the fact I can’t get into a schedule that works for me. At the moment I have a 9-5 job. I’m also writing this blog and trying to publish on the site Medium. Finally, I’m trying to start a freelancing business writing and proofreading. It sounds like a lot but honestly if I could get organised it would be fine.
How Long It All Takes
My full-time job is easy- 9 to 5 every Monday to Friday.
My freelancing varies on the work I get. It’s no more than 10-12 hours a week.
This blog takes about 4 hours per week for my 2 posts plus any other admin.
Medium I fit in as and when I can. Let’s say 3 hours per week.
All that totals 59 hours. In other words, I can work my full-time job plus an extra couple of hours each day during the week. Then on weekends, work the remaining 9 spread over the 2 days. Sounds perfectly achievable, doesn’t it? Yet I can’t make it work!
Why not?
I don’t know. I’ve read about productivity on Medium. I’ve downloaded scheduling apps. I’ve put my targets in iCal. Nothing works. I don’t know if I need more discipline or if my mental health is affecting my ability to implement it so I can’t at the moment. One good thing is that I haven’t missed any freelancing deadlines or blog posts. I get it all done. I still worry that I should be more organised though. Does this make sense?
What I’ve Tried
- Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day to optimise my sleep. It didn’t work. I was too tired and slept through.
- Entering my schedule in iCal.
- I’ve downloaded the Notion app but can’t make myself set it up!
I realise this isn’t a huge number of things but it was as taxing as I could handle.
What’s my point?
My point is that sometimes we struggle to manage even small things. It feels upsetting and frustrating. I keep thinking “Dammit Claire, you’re better than this!” I can’t do anything though. I’m coping and it’s the best I can do for now. I have my eyes locked on the prize – Christmas! I’ve got 2 blocks of 5 days off and I plan to make the most of it! I’m going to rest, unwind and have fun with my family during the first block. Then during the second block, I’m going to see if I‘m able to get myself sorted out.
No pressure though! If I still need more time I’m going to take it. That’s what I want all of you to understand. All you can do is your best. Believe me, I hate myself when I’m like this. I feel so useless. I’ve always been well organised with a great memory. It was my thing. Now my brain feels sluggish and I have to write things down or I’ll forget. I may not like being this way but I have to remember to cut myself some slack. This change isn’t my fault and I’m doing my best. I have faith that as time goes on I’ll find the strength to get sorted the way I want to.
To my Musers
I wrote this post not because I have all the answers but because I don’t. I try to stay upbeat when I talk to you so I don’t want you all to think every day is easy for me. I struggle. A lot. I feel down, and angry, and frustrated, and anxious. I have days and weeks when everything feels like it’s crashing down on top of me. Sometimes I can barely manage to drag myself through each day. But I do. I keep going and eventually, it gets better.
It’s ok to struggle guys. Or to need help. It’s ok to not be ok. When you get this way please, please be kind to yourselves. Allow yourself space to work through it. Don’t be afraid to admit how you’re feeling. If you don’t feel like you can speak to the people in your life then please know I’m always here. My details are on my contact page so don’t be afraid to reach out. I’m here.
Love CMoo x
