I Do Instead Of Feeling – One Of 5 Trauma Personalities

Hey Musers, my apologies but this might be a deeper post today. Since my sister and I started our separate therapies to deal with our childhood trauma, we’ve bee watching a lot of mental health videos on YouTube. Naturally, we send each other interesting videos and the one she sent me yesterday was a doozy! It’s on Patrick Teahan’s channel, he’s a clinical social worker who has dealt with his own trauma too. In this video how discusses childhood trauma causes people to develop alternate trauma personalities to cope and while doing so they lose their original one.

That might sound weird but I promise it makes sense when you watch the video. I can almost guarantee you’ll be picking out and thinking “omg! That’s so-and-so!” Or maybe even yourself. It certainly was for me. The first personality mentioned is “The Doer” and it is 100% me. I always knew I liked to have a plan, to know what I wanted to do, how to achieve it and to be seen as intelligent. What I didn’t realise what that it allowed me to cut myself off from my emotions.

#Confused

Honestly, I’ve always thought of myself as an emotional person and that I was very good at understanding and feeling my emotions. Now I suspect that I am very good at talking about my emotions and feeling them a bit. However, the bits related to my trauma, the true pain and anger and hurt. I think they’re locked away with many of my memories about that tme.

Trauma Personalities 101

This might sound weird, and honestly, I’m still processing it myself. So I recommend you watch the video and Patrick can explain it. He says that most people are more than one of the trauma personalities. I feel a strong affinity for the doer and will probably need to watch the video a couple of more times to establish if any of the other trauma personalities relate to me.

I Have To Do The Work

I’m not gonna lie, this is NOT good news. I’m already in a pretty bad place emotionally and feeling my trauma more intensely fills me with utter dread. I am lucky because:

I am seeing a psychotherapist weekly
I work from home full time so no need to go into the office with a face red and blotchy from crying
I have support from my husband and sister

I am relieved I will be guided through all of this and have support but it’s still not easy at all.

I tried to think about how I reconnect to my feeling but drew a blank. So, I decided to do two things. Firstly, to get me at least thinking about feelings I would do a mind map. I have a really fun book of feelings stickers and I wanted to use them. Yes, I know, that’s me thinking and doing again instead of feeling but that is literally all I have right now.

Here’s what I created:

A mind map to help me feel my feelings. Trauma personalities - the doer — Photo courtesy of author. Mind map created by author

Enter The Tarot

One of the things I love about tarot is that it acts as a mirror. It can bring forward the secrets hidden in my self-conscious and help me face things that maybe I’d rather not. I am loving the honestly of my new Ink Witch Tarot so I chose to use the deck and a spread in the guidebook. I also decided to draw a card from the Deep, Dark and Dangerous oracle to get a read o the general energy of the spread.

Photo courtesy of author. The Ink Witch Tarot by Eric Maille

The Heart of the Matter – Death. That hits bang on. I am coming to then end of the part of my life when my emotions were closed off from me and all the pain and trauma I’ve suffered to boxed away and shoved to the back of my mind. Now I have reached an end to that part of my life which is good but also hard and painful as hell.
The Nature of Your Power – Seven of Pentacles. I am now ready and willing to put in the power. i will do the therapy, take the pain and come out stronger. I am also willing to listed to feedback from others and assess my progress as I go to keep me on track.
What Motivates Your Power – Eight of Cups. I have a deep seated need to leave this phase of my emotional / mental health life. There is nothing left that serves me, nothing but broken cups or pain. There is nothing left that I want or need and I know that.
How You Can Draw Your Power – Temperance. I need to exercise moderation. As much as I want to run at therapy full steam ahead that is not possible and will likely do more harm than good. I need to accept things will happen in their own time. This is also the second card that referred to trial and error, seven of pentacles did too. As I progress through therapy and my own work towards healing some things will work and some won’t, I need to adjust and tweak to keep my power directed where i need it to go.
Where To Direct Your Power – Two of Pentacles. I need to keep my power flexible and allow myself to go with the flow. I may not always be able to direct my power towards the elements of my life and my mental health that I want to but that’s ok. Other parts of my life are important too and I can’t neglect them to only focus on healing my mental health. I need to direct and redirect the flow of my power as needed.
What You Can Achieve – Ace of Pentacles. I can feel more stable and grounded and ready to sow the seeds of a better and more healthy life.

The card I drew from Deep, Dark and Dangerous was Gunakadeit. Blessings. The description says truth finds a way to be told. I have always needed to face the truth of my pain and now the time has come. I may see this time as a curse but I can also see it as a blessing as it allows me to integrate a part of myself I kept locked away.

What’s The Deal?

It looks like I\m reaching an ending. It probably won’t be fun but it is necessary. Balance is going to be essential. I can’t focus on one thing too intensely or do too much too soon. Once I come out the other end I’ll be ready to plant some new seeds.