Healing And Releasing – 7 Big Problems To Fix
Hi All, and welcome to my post exploring ways of healing and releasing my pain. I’ve been pretty candid in other posts about trauma I’ve suffered in the past and also revelations from my time in therapy. I have wondered lately if my work is doing any good as I’m not really feeling all that much better. I keep reminding myself that it’s a process. I’ve had depression and anxiety related to trauma for 30 years, I won’t fix it in a couple of months. Another problem is that it can be hard to remember the breakthroughs as each session involves a lot of talking.
So, as much for me as for you, I’m going to list all my messed up shit:
- At the heart of all my issues is one overriding thought – “I’m not good enough”
- I feel like it’s my job to look after people and I find it hard to let people look after me. A few hours, or maybe a day is all I can do.
- I don’t ask for help enough, I prefer to play the martyr and make passive aggressive comments
- My trauma personality is A Doer. I put all my self esteem on what I achieve and I need to keep busy, otherwise what’s the point of me?
- I hate people being angry with me, it freaks me out and sends me into fight or flight.
- My relationship with my husband is pretty co-dependent. He has always wanted to be babied and looked after and as I have a naturally mothering personality sometimes I take a lot more of the emotional load in our marriage
- I find Mike’s (my husband) lack of resilience irritating. He can never seem to push through as I do and it drives me mad! I don’t know if this relating to his neurodivergence, just him, or both but I find it really hard to deal with. He’s unlucky because I am probably more sensitive to this than others would be. My Mum and stepdad completely gave themselves over to their depression and it ruined their lives and the lives of me and my siblings too. My Dad drank himself to death at age 64 rather than get help. You must keep going dammit! I’ve seen what happens when you don’t and it is horror and misery and pain.
Phew! Quite a list isn’t it? My therapist told me being aware of your issues is a big part of the battle but I still struggle with how to let it go. I do find psychotherapy so damned woolly, I like to have a plan and there is no plan available.
Healing And Releasing Spread
As I continued to think about therapy, I also tried to come up with a topic for today’s spread. As I often do, I flicked through the option in the Spreads Book and was almost instantly grabbed by the healing and releasing spread. It honestly seemed meant to be as it’s so closely linked with the issues I need to work through right now.
It’s perfect isn’t it? What I need to heal emotionally and physically as well as looking at unhealthy patterns and what I need people to help me with.
The Deck
The spread was easy but the deck to use was much less so. I have 24 (Yikes!) tarot decks and I didn’t feel strongly drawn to any particular one for this. I ended up sending the spread and my list of decks to my sister Jayne (another major tarot enthusiast) and she picked The Ink Witch tarot for me.
I do like the Ink Witch tarot very much but it can be a little cryptic. I’m interested to see what it comes up with for this spread. Here are the cards I pulled.
The Emotional Healing I Need – Four of Pentacles. See what I mean? Four of pentacles is usually a money card. So my initial thoughts…I grew up with a lot of financial insecurity. It has lead to me spending money unwisely because I wasn’t used to having any to spend. I need to try and heal this scar as buying things is a temporary high, a band aid not a fix.
The Physical Healing I Need – The Sun. Everything is perfect, ha! In this particular image I see it as needing to find my centre. My core and balance are truly awful and if I can work on this i think it will have a lot of health benefits. I also feel like if I can find my centre, my true self, my sunny day everything will improve, including my physical health.
Unhealthy Patterns To Release – Nine of Wands. It’s good to keep pushing through when it feels like the hits just keep on coming. Sometimes I take it too far and don’t stop even when I should (see my problems in the section below.) This is not a good way to behave as it leaves me burned out and far more likely to progress more slowly. I also need to defend my boundaries a lot more and notice which people and situations drain my energy. I allow guilt to control me and that needs to stop.
Support I Need While I Heal And Release – Five of Swords Reversed. I need people to understand if I am angry and if possible let me vent without getting into a huge row. There’s a possibility of my doing damage to others and they to me during this process. I need my loved ones to remember I’m hurting and try to not go in for the kill or the win at any cost.
What Are You Healing And Releasing?
I’ve tried to be very honest in this post so if you’re struggling you know you’re not alone. Depression can be a very lonely illness and one of the main reasons for starting this blog is to share my experience and make others feel seen. If you have anything to share I’d love to hear from you.
