Fear holding you back? Here’s how to fight it.
Hi Musers,
I think we all have dreams. Some are definitely to be relegated to the realm of fantasy. For example, however diligently you follow what I’m about to set down it’s doubtful you’ll get a date with George Clooney, play for Manchester United or become a billionaire. There are usually dreams we have that are more realistic which strangely makes them scarier. They seem so tantalisingly close, so possible. But What If?! This is where fear is holding you back.
If you’re anything like me it’s the what-ifs that keep you paralysed. Dithering about taking the plunge. Deciding one day that Yes! You are going to do it tomorrow. Then when tomorrow comes the what-ifs bombard you and you chicken out.
I have lived a lot of my 40 years feeling this way. Taking fairly entry-level jobs because I was afraid to fail if I aimed higher. Not taking up hobbies that looked like fun because I was afraid people would laugh at me. Not approaching men I found attractive because I was fat and I was convinced they’d reject me.
The Result?
Needless to say, this has led to my life being far less fulfilling or satisfying than it could have been. I have always been jealous of the people who go into things with a “Dr Pepper” mindset — what’s the worst that could happen? I’m even more jealous of people brimming with self-confidence. My sister has a best friend who is like that. She truly believes she’s awesome and can do anything. What must that be like?
I do believe though that there are a lot of people like me out there which is why I’m writing this article. Over the last 5 years or so I’ve begun to make strides in moving past my fears. I’m still a long way from where I want to be but I’ve also made a lot of progress from where I was.
My Secret Solution…
Lists! I know it sounds too simple to work but it does. I’ve always been an obsessive list writer. They help give me structure, a schedule and I accomplish far more than I would without them. There’s nothing I love more than ticking things off a list as I accomplish them. It’s such a satisfying feeling.
When I was pondering my woes one day it came to me, why not use a list to help me try new things? I ended up laughing at the simplicity of it. I’d take something I had been too scared to do and write a simple list of pros and cons. Next, I would write the list and then put it in a drawer without reading it back. Finally, I’d then return to it the next day and read it through. If the pros exceeded the cons then it became easy, I needed to do it. If not then I could mull it over and come to a decision.
Trial One
My first use of this method was considering whether to take a Clubbercise class with my sister. This is a fitness class where dances are set to music played in clubs. It’s in the dark and there are flashing lights and you hold glow sticks. If you’ve read other posts here at CMooMuses you’ll know it’s now one of my favourite types of cardio.
Here’s what I came up with
Pros
- Supporting Jayne — she wants company
- I’ll get fitter
- It might be a type of exercise I enjoy rather than make myself do
- My co-ordination will improve (hopefully)
- It’s dark — no one can see me
- Glowsticks — fun!
Cons
- I might be awful at it.
- I may find it too tiring to keep up.
- What if people laugh at me?
- What if I hurt myself?
As you can see pros exceeded cons and I felt a lot better after reading it. I decided on that basis alone that I was going to do the class. I wanted to be positive the what-ifs wouldn’t ambush me though so I proceeded to step 2. Coming up with counter-arguments to the cons. If I already had answers ready I reasoned they would have far less power to derail me.
I might be awful at it. See pro 5. It’s dark, no one can see you!
I may find it too tiring to keep up. I’ll ask Jayne if she minds staying at the back then I can quietly rest if needed.
What if people laugh at me? Pro 5 again, they won’t be able to see you clearly. Also, they’ll probably be trying to keep up too!
What if I hurt myself? You can hurt yourself any time, even just tripping over. This class is led by a teacher, follow her advice and take it slowly.
After I’d been through the pros, cons and answers to the cons a few times I began to believe there was no reason not to try it. I went to the class and I loved it. Of course, I was just flailing around at first but I ended up laughing at myself. That’s always a good thing. I believe we’d have fewer emotional issues if we learned to laugh at ourselves more. Over time I improved and came to stand at the front rather than hiding in the back.
Enter CMooMuses
I know this may seem like a very small thing to be brave about but the key with anything is to start small, perfect your technique and build up from there. So I carried on using the pros and cons method often and at last, I arrived at something big. I wanted to start my own blog.
This was a terrifying thought as I hadn’t written with any regularity since university almost twenty years ago. Even then it was academic essays not blog posts about my personal experiences. I rejected the idea out of hand so many times before I told myself firmly that I owed it to myself to try the method. Here it is.
Pros
- My job is very unfulfilling, this may give me satisfaction
- I have no purpose, this could be one
- No experience — this will improve my writing.
- Possible new career path
- I may help people by telling them about how I handle things
- I may help me — treat it like a kind of therapy?
- Could make a little money from it someday
Cons
- A decent blog costs money — wasted if it’s not a success.
- I could suck at it.
- What if I don’t enjoy it?
- What if no one ever reads it?
- Do I have the technical skills to set it up?
Again more pros than cons. I think this is because I really wanted to do it I was just afraid. Deep down though I was excited so the pros were easier to find. On I went to stage 2.
A decent blog costs money — wasted if it’s not a success. It will cost less than £100 for a year. I spend more than that on takeaways.
I could suck at it. When I start I almost certainly will. My posts will be a mess but I’ll get better. I did at clubbercise and I’m much better at words than I am at dancing!
What if I don’t enjoy it? Then I can stop! It won’t be a large amount of time or money lost and I can put it to bed knowing I tried it.
What if no one ever reads it? Then at least I’ll have created something I’m hopefully proud of. I can learn how to publicise better. If the blog eventually fails I can use it as a body of work to try to get a writing job.
Do I have the technical skills to set it up? Again I can learn! No one is paying me to do this blog, there’s no deadline. I can take my time and find courses on the internet about the technical aspects. I’ll only publish it lice when i’m ready.
This time even with all the positive data it still took me a few more weeks but I did it! CMooMuses has been online for 6 months now and I’ve never been prouder of anything I’ve done. I’m not getting many views but it’s early days and that’s ok. I’m focusing on building my writing skills and finding my niche. Even if I never get major traffic I love having a space that’s just mine. That I can say what I want, in whatever way I want. Well worth the money and fighting the fear for.
What I Learned
When you have something you want to do but are afraid start listing those pros and cons! I know many of you may think that it’s hardly groundbreaking but the fact is fear is one of the most primal of our emotions. To fight it we need something simple that won’t overwhelm us.
I hope you’ve found this article helpful and it’s something that can work for you. I can’t overstate the impact this method has had on my life. How much braver i’ve become. How it’s helped my with my depression even if it hasn’t cured it. Once you start taking those steps you’ve been putting off for so long it’s incredible how strong it makes you feel. Give it a try and let me know how you get on. Stop fear holding you back today.
