Fault vs Responsibility 101. It’s Your Problem And You Have The Power To Fix it!
Today I want to talk about fault vs responsibility. This topic has been rolling around my head for a while, and it always gets worse when I talk to my mother and stepfather. In case I haven’t made it clear before, one of the things that frustrate me most about them is their victim mentality. They have had problems in their lives, and I’m not disputing that. Here’s a rough breakdown.
- Both of them have suffered from chronic clinical depression
- Neither was happy living in the other’s home town
- My mum has a lot of health problems, and can be difficult
- My stepfather apparently LOVED his job in his home town and HATED the one he had for 20+ years in my mum’s town
- They’ve never had much money
Obviously, it’s way more complex than that, but it gives you an idea. You may feel sorry for them, but seriously, don’t!
Why I’m Being So Mean
What I just wrote probably makes me sound like a real b*tch. I promise you I’m not. I tried for decades to help them, often at the expense of my mental, emotional and financial health. I had to give up in the end. Why? Because you cannot help people who refuse to accept that fault vs responsibility are different things.
My parents are the flag bearer and lead drummer in the depression parade. I know their illness is real, but they use it as a reason they cannot do ANYTHING to improve their lot, including the depression itself. Any time I tried to help or got frustrated by their lack of progress, I was told, “you don’t understand; you’ve never had depression.” In fact, I have had depression since I was fifteen, so this is BS. They were too wrapped up in themselves to see it, though.
They also talk about their lives in terms of “bad luck”, as if they were carried along on the stream of life. They were passengers and had no power to make different choices. This makes me want to scream in frustration! I genuinely cannot comprehend how two adults can surrender their power so completely, how they can embrace victimhood and make it a part of their identities.
Fault vs Responsibility
I was aware of the concept of fault vs responsibility but could never articulate it in the way I wanted to. Enter Will Smith. This man has had some bad press recently over the Chris Rock fiasco. He’s also been open about his marital problems. Whatever you this of him, you need to watch this video! He sums up fault vs responsibility flawlessly. It is the best description I have ever heard, and I nearly cried when I watched it because it was so damn beautiful.
Though they don’t do it on purpose, I feel like my parents’ attitudes are a form of gaslighting. I genuinely questioned whether I was wrong; they were so emphatic about it. So to hear someone eloquently describe precisely what I was feeling was a beautiful moment. Here’s a link so you can watch it for yourself.
Take Back Your Power
That was pretty amazing, wasn’t it? All hail the wisdom of Will Smith! The point of this article is to remind you of the power you hold inside of you. Your childhood may have been shitty; mine was too. You might struggle with mental health problems; I say hey friend, join the club! Whether it’s an awful breakup, an abusive partner, the death info a loved one, drug problems, eating disorders or anything else life throws at you, it’s your responsibility to fix it.
I know that might seem scary, but try not to see it that way. By acknowledging that you need to fix it, you are taking your power back from whoever or whatever hurt you. I know that it may seem like an enormous task, and you may not know where to begin. Believe it or not, you just have to start! Do one thing, anything, to try and fix yourself. If it works, great, time to take another step. If it doesn’t, dust yourself off and try something else.
I know it’s easier said than done. I haven’t managed to find a cure for my depression, have I? You don’t have to do it all alone. I have asked for help from my doctor, my husband and my sister. The key thing is to acknowledge it’s your responsibility and keep working. Yes, depression is often caused by physical problems. That does not mean you get to take pills, never speak to a therapist or do any work yourself. You can’t sit back and tell your doctor, it’s your job to cure me.
It’s Up To You
In life, there will always be work you have to do and accepting that is amazing. If you know it’s your responsibility to fix yourself, YOU have all the power. No relying on others who may not have your best interests at heart. No waiting for a doctor or therapist who may not have enough time for you. You can start now, today, and make a change. It’s not necessarily your fault it happened, but it IS your responsibility to fix it. Now get out there and do it!
