Facing My Fears And Checking In On My Progress In Trauma Therapy
Ok, I might be exaggerating a little with my title. Facing my fears is important but in this case the stakes aren’t that high. While attending therapy and also watching YouTube videos I have discovered that a new trauma personality replaced the one I was born with. The personality, called “a doer” was designed to keep me safe. In a nutshell, I always need to be doing something, achieving something.
At work, I want to be the quickest to master all new knowledge and processes. At home, I want to tick as many items as I can off my to-do list and be able to learn new skills almost immediately. I hate it when I fail. I feel like a loser. I know this is not a rational way to feel.
Every skill takes time to develop, I can’t learn an entire new topic in a single night, and yet I want to. This need explains that sometimes when I learn something new I get so far and stop. Once I am secure in my general knowledge I don’t want to advance further as it increases the odds that I will hit a roadblock or knowledge gap.
Tarot
This same fear is true in my study of the tarot. I adore its history, richness and variety, as well as the advice and guidance I receive. I continue to get new decks and study card meanings, but in one area I have come to a grinding halt. That area is large spreads. I am very comfortable with 3-card spreads and have gone as high as 6 but never higher. I have a particular terror of the classic Celtic Cross, a TEN card spread 😱
I think I was put off because I first tried to learn tarot when I was about 18. However, the book only showed the Celtic Cross and I didn’t know I could start with smaller spreads. I struggled and lost confidence quickly. Soon I gave up on tarot. I feel more than a little resentful as I have lost so many years of learning, progress and guidance because of it. See where not facing my fears left me?
Time For Facing My Fears
My sister Jayne is the one responsible for giving me a quick shove towards the Celtic Cross. We have built a lot of our knowledge watching tarot creators on YouTube. We both watch videos from April at Tarot and Witchery. Lately April posted a video about the modified Celtic Cross spread she uses. Jayne tried the spread and sent her reading to me for my take on it. When presented with a spread from her and not one I have to do myself i found I got a lot out of it. Meanings came to me and I was able to discern a message throughout the spread.
So, for this post, I am going to try the modified Celtic Cross. Jayne told me that she had no question in mind when she tried her spread, she used it as a life check-in. I have decided to focus on my mental health journey through therapy. I have been very drawn to the Fifth Spirit Tarot lately so I am going to use it for this spread. I feel this deck will tell me like it is. The spread also requires a single oracle card and I have chosen the Seasons of the Witch Beltane Oracle.
My Draw
Card 1: Me Right Now – Queen of Pentacles. I am in my full Queen of Pentacles vibe, earth mother, caregiver, always looking after others before myself. I am gradually becoming aware this cannot all be one way. Facing my fears means facing the fear that my only use to others is what I do for them. If I stop they won’t like me anymore.
Card 2: What I’m Coming Out Of – Ten of Pentacles. Although this is usually the card of a happy and stable home life, I see this as releasing the illusion that there are any perfect home lives. I’ve seen too many families that looked great on the surface but were totally fucked up behind closed doors. I released the idea of the perfect family life as being something I can attain.
Card 3: Where I’m Headed – Knight of Swords. I have a plan and I’m headed towards it full steam ahead. I know I need to heal so i am committed to both my therapy and my own work at home to deal with my trauma and lead a happier, healthier life.
Card 4: What Don’t I Know/Subconscious – King of Wands. I already carry a light inside me, I just need to not be afraid to let it shine. I am totally capable of out of the box thinking when it comes to building a more fulfilling life.
Card 5: What I Know/Conscious – Death. I wil be required to let things end, let things go as part of my healing. My next phase cannot begin until I cut loose all the parts of myself that don’t serve me or fit who I am becoming.
Card 6: Overshadowing – The Empress. I suspect I have tended to dissociate a bit as part of my childhood trauma and I know for a fact I’m cut off from my emotions. The Empress tells me I need to start connecting with my body again and relearn how different emotions feel. Reconnecting with my body is a vital part of this process.
Card 7: Hopes and Fears – The Hanged One. I hope that a period of suspension will give me new insight and ways to deal with my trauma and the effects it is still having on me. My deepest fear is that I am completely stuck. I cannot move from this place and will be stuck as i am forever.
Card 8: Outside Influences – The Emperor. Although The Emperor is traditionally male, I see this card as representing my therapist. She is the one helping me construct a framework, a structure to deal with all that has happened to me. Although our talks appear to meander, I feel this is still a gently guided process to ensure the work gets done.
Card 9: Obstacles – Four of Pentacles. It’s my fear! I am SO afraid to take risks in my life that it stops me moving forward a lot. I haven’t advanced much at work, tried many new hobbies etc. because I can’t bear the thought of it going wrong, I can’t bear the thought of failure. This fear halts my progress as a person a lot and is definitely something I need to address.
Card 10: The Best Possible Outcome – Two of Pentacles. I bring my life into balance. I care for others, but remember to make myself on my own self care a priority too. I allow my fear to keep me safe but also put it aside sometimes and experience the joy of new relationships, experiences and activities. I combine the elements of my life so that I am busy and fulfilled but not run ragged and exhausted.
Card 11: How Do I Integrate This Spread’s Advice – Boundaries. This very much echoes the wisdom of the best possible outcome card. I need to establish boundaries, fill my on cup first before I start pouring it into other people’s. The Knight of Swords (card 4) indicates flying at something hard and fast, laser focused. This is good as it gets shit done but sometimes it’s not the right thing and may drain me too much. I need to stop, think and act and put myself first more often.
First Celtic Cross Done!
Yay! In the spirit of facing my fears I have done my first Celtic cross spread and it blew my mind! This entire spread was a truth bomb for me and I hope you enjoyed looking at it with me. If you have any thoughts, alternative interpretations or your own modified cross, please pop them in the comments.
