I’ve spent a lot of time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears trying to break up with diet culture. Sadly, it’s hard to avoid as it’s everywhere, even in my home! So what can I / you do when fat shamed by your husband? This post is an almost follow-up to my I feel broken article. 

As part of my deeply horrible Saturday, during which I had a fairly extensive argument with my husband, the topic of weight came up. Mike said he felt that I didn’t support him in his gym and exercise goals and that he always supported me regardless of his personal beliefs. He then admitted that he thinks body liberation is dangerous and that he is very concerned about my health. Basically, he thinks I need to lose weight.

Supporting A Dieter Is Hard

I’ll admit, I do struggle to support Mike all the time as his actions seem excessive to me. He goes to the gym every day without fail and spends a minimum of 80 minutes there. He says it helps with his anxiety, which is fine. However, I cannot ask him not to go on any given day. If he decides he doesn’t want to go that day, it’s fine, but I can’t ask him. He also tracks and weighs everything he eats. Unfortunately, he started this practice just as I was trying to make my break from dieting permanently. I find it triggering, but I try to be supportive and do weight food when I’m asking it. 

Mike has done a phenomenal job working on losing weight for both his physical and mental health. Over the course of the last two years, he’s lost 16kg. I am so proud of him. BUT it has led to problems for me. Firstly, diet culture is insidious. It’s very hard to get away from, and when someone is actively dieting in your home, the whispers in your head start up again. That maybe you should give it another go, that this time will be different, will be the one. I know it’s lies, but it’s so hard to fight.

Secondly, I find it hard to believe he still finds me attractive. I know this is weird as I look the same as when he met me, but I find myself wondering if he’s judging me now. Now he’s Captain Gym and watches everything he eats. Does he not find it disgusting when I eat chocolate, burgers, and pizza? I worry that our paths have diverged, and it could lead to us drifting apart.

Help! I’m Being Dragged In!

All of these things were swirling around my head before he mentioned that he wanted me to lose weight. Over the last few days, I’ve found myself slipping back into my old habits. I’ve been weighing myself multiple times a day, skipping meals and obsessing over what to eat for dinner even though the difference between one option and another is less than 30 calories. I hate myself for it, and I know it’s going to make my mental health worse, but I can’t stop. I’m in the quicksand, and the more I struggle, the deeper I sink.

The crazy part is, if I were reading this article written by someone else, I’d have SO much advice! I know all the stats about diet failure rates, and I know mental health is as important as physical health. I also know that many of the ob*sity facts are distorted or just plain wrong. So I don’t know why words desert me when I’m talking to Mike. It might be my depression. I was feeling so worthless on Saturday that I had no confidence in myself or anything I was saying. 

I also know that Mike will believe that as he’s lost weight, it’s absolutely possible for me. One area he definitely struggles with is putting himself in other people’s shoes and seeing from their perspective. So even if I give him stats, I suspect he’ll see it as just making excuses even if he doesn’t come out and say it. Of all the people in the world, I care most about what Mike thinks. Unfortunately, because I am so fragile emotionally, I don’t have it in me to fight diet culture and my worry about what my husband thinks of me.

So, that’s how things stand at present. I’m sorry that it’s another bummer post, but I want this blog to be an honest reflection of my life and not a highlights reel. I have no idea where my current path will lead and what my physical and mental health will be like when I emerge, but please wish me luck.