Balancing CFS, Anxiety and Burnout – The Eternal Fight
Hi Musers, today we’re going to talk about anxiety and burnout and how they’re related. As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, my life is pretty good, all things considered. Things I have going for me:
- Mike and I each make enough money for a reasonable standard of living
- We’re very much in love
- I have six rescue cats that I love as much as if they were my own children
- I have a very close relationship with my sister
- I have a job I enjoy
- I have this blog which I am so proud of
- I’m also slowly building a professional writing career
In spite of all of these things, though, I have anxiety and depression. It’s generally well managed, but sometimes an event happens, not even a big one that pushes me over the edge.
My anxiety kicks into high gear, and my mind will not let go of it! No matter how rationally I think about what’s worrying me, strategies I plan for if the worse happens, I simply cannot settle down. It happened to me recently.
Money
Sorry if you were expecting it to be more exciting! It is that old chestnut, though. One of the things couples argue about more than anything else. Mike and I haven’t been arguing; I’ve just been freaking out.
It all began early on an uneventful Sunday morning. Mike had gone to the gym, and I was reading the blog site Medium. I happened across an article by a woman whose friend had a big, expensive house she boasted about, but when that friend had a large and unexpected medical bill, she had nothing to pay it with. So she had to ask friends and family to lend it to her. Cue anxiety and burnout!
My Situation
I am not in exactly the same situation. My house is big but not massive, and we haven’t redecorated since we moved in. So we’re certainly not sinking all our money into it. The issue is that we don’t have much savings. We could maybe scrape 4K together if we were desperate. Nowhere near the six months’ salary that money sites say you should have.
I have known this for a very, very long time. I knew we should do something about it, but it was never a top priority. This time, however, it got lodged firmly in my brain, and my anxiety will not let it go. So, morning to night, there is a constant chorus of “what ifs” going through my head.
This level of anxiety is not rational. We have had emergencies before, and we have always coped; we found the money. I also have some family members who would be able to help. It doesn’t matter, though; nothing quiets the anxiety.
Enter Anxiety AND Burnout
After a few weeks of this, I decided to take action. First, I would work hard to clear the small balance on the credit card and then work to build a proper emergency fund. I took on a couple of extra writing gigs, and at that point, my full-time job started needing overtime.
Since then, I’ve gone from averaging 40-45 hours of work each week to more like 55. It may not sound like a huge increase, but after nearly three months, I’m exhausted.
Mike and Jayne are angry with me as they can see the toll it’s taking, and I know they’re right. I am tired all the time and sometimes feel quite weepy. I look at another 10-hour workday followed by an article to write and don’t know how I’ll manage to get through.
Whenever I try to say no to overtime or a new article, I physically can’t do it. I hear the what-if chorus. I think that when the extra work dries up, I’ll be kicking myself for turning down the money. Moping about how much healthier my savings would have been. How much safer I could feel.
On top of this feeling tense and anxious all the time affects my sleep and any downtime I manage to have. Constant fight-or-flight mode is keeping my stress hormones far too high. See how anxiety and burnout are related?
Add A Pinch Of CFS
All this would be bad enough if I had just the continual intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and all the extra hours. However, I also have chronic fatigue, so my exhaustion is even worse. I do fear that I will push myself over the edge and be laid up for days, if not weeks.
I can’t afford to do that. I get sick pay, but I work in a small team and don’t want to let everyone down. I also have a small group of regular writing clients who I don’t want to disappoint. I feel like I should be able to keep going and hate feeling weak.
The problem is I don’t know how to stop. All my coping strategies have failed me this time, and I can’t put the brakes on.
Help Needed
I know I started this site to help others, to give advice and not ask for it. Today that’s changed for a while. I ask you for your good thoughts, my Musers, as well as any tips or experience you may have. Anxiety and burnout, what’s your story?
