Body positive = self-confidence? You never hate what you see in the mirror?
Hi Musers, this is a question I’ve been asked a few times so I thought I should address it. It’s a very valid question after all. If I, or you, or anyone has truly embraced body positivity does that mean we should have bulletproof self-confidence? Confidence that can withstand the thin agenda pushed relentlessly by the media. That can withstand mean comments. Or our favourite jeans/top/dress not fitting right any more. It’s a nice thought but not necessarily realistic. I’m sure there are some in the body/fat acceptance movement that never have a bad day but I’m not one of them.
if you’ve read this blog for a while (thank you!) then you’ll know that I struggle with depression and have done for 25 years now. I don’t like to dwell on it too much as I really would like this to be an upbeat and happy space. That said though I also want this to be a place of complete honesty. Depression is part of my existence and it would be dishonest to suggest otherwise.
Depression – ugh!
Most of the time I actually do feel good about myself these days. Yes even when I catch the dreaded unexpected sight of myself in the mirror! When depression reaches out its scaly hand and drags me into a deep dark hole though, of course, all the negative self-talk and the black thoughts come flooding back in. I go to what my sister calls “the bad place” and everything just seems dark and hopeless. At those times everything in my life suffers, my perspective becomes bleak and naturally, my feelings about my body are affected too. I start to think I’m fooling myself with this body positivity shit. I really am just a big fat blob that everybody is laughing at for thinking that I look awesome.
Yes, it would be a total lie to say that I never have a single wobble or a single doubt. I’m only human and so are all of you! It’s natural to feel less confident sometimes. A classic example of mine which I think we can all relate to is when I go clothes shopping. I try on a piece of clothing in my size and I look horrible in it. You all know, it just emphasises my body in completely the wrong way and I look dreadful. When you’re looking at yourself in harsh, overhead, fluorescent lighting in that fitting room there are times you’re going to feel pretty dam bad about yourself. It’s inevitable.
It’s not just you!
The thing is though, my sister is a standard size and she tells me that that happens to her every bit as much as it happens to me. This experience is honestly not just limited to plus-size shoppers. Sometimes a piece of clothing is just going to look shit on everyone! There are some people who I’m convinced everything looks great on but who knows maybe even those people like Claudia Schiffer or Cara Delevingne, or Tyra Banks have as many days like that as we do. The difference though is that the world is set up to validate them. If their self-confidence dips there is ample evidence of how much society appreciates their bodies wherever they look. We fat people are not so lucky!
These days luckily I do have a bit of a positivity reserve built from writing this blog and posting on my Instagram Feed and of course I draw strength from the fabulous body positivity bloggers and influencers that I follow so I’m not completely unsupported. I also have my wonderful husband and sister and they’re pretty great too. They’re my reality check and some days I couldn’t get through without them. I don’t know about all of you but when I’m feeling very down I have to have some help to boost my self-confidence and self-worth. If I don’t then the result is a downward spiral that can threaten all the work I’ve done to learn to love myself just as I am. Fat and all!
Fat people can have self-confidence too!
I want to stop at this point to say natural self-confidence is not just the domain of thin people! My sister has a friend and her self-confidence is 100% bullet-proof. It is completely unbelievable, she goes into every situation believing that she is awesome and assuming that she can do whatever. She is as big as me and never went to university. She is definitely doing better than me in her career though and I’m positive the secret is her attitude.
I’m the exact opposite and I would give anything to have confidence like her. It must be such an asset – one I would love to be able to cultivate. I don’t know if it’s due to my depression or just who I am that I can’t, who the hell knows? I guess the point I’m trying to make it is mindset is everything! If you believe you are beautiful and capable and awesome then you’ll find a way to make it your reality. This is something we all need to work on.
Where does all that leave us?
If you’re anything like me you are going to have dark days. I sincerely hope they’re not as dark as mine because honestly, I would never wish depression on anyone. You will have days when you have setbacks, or a low mood and your confidence takes a dip. The key is to not let it become a streak. It’s important to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling but the next day put it to bed and do whatever it takes to get you back in our body-positive mindset. Depending on the severity of what you’re feeling it may take longer than a day but you need to try to fight even though it’ll be the last thing you feel like doing.
A few suggestions to get back on track
- Read this blog, in particular the post on giving yourself a break
- Look at your favourite influencers on social media
- Put on an outfit that makes you feel absolutely fierce and stunning
- Talk to your best friend or your significant other or your mum. Someone who will tell you how great you are
- Watch your favourite movie
- Curl up with a good book
Do what it takes to get yourself back on track because you owe it to yourself! If we don’t let ourselves get sucked down into a spiral of doubt we can be the totally badass people we were always meant to be. We can achieve so much if we work together to support each other. I’m looking forward to hearing about what you achieve today!
