Mental Health

Stupid, Stupid, STUPID! Why Are We So Hard On Ourselves ?

I am again pulling my blog topic from my life at the moment and asking, why are we so hard on ourselves? I know it’s not all of us, but many of us are much, much harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. I am a case in point. I started a new job a few weeks ago, working in the cash office of a local hospice. I am covering the role during maternity leave, so the current job holder is training me before she leaves. I’ve been doing the job for three weeks now, and I’ve made mistakes.

You might be thinking, of course you’ve made mistakes, you’re new to this role, and that’s what happens! You’re right, and that’s precisely what I’d say if the roles were reversed. However, what I’m actually saying to myself is that I’m an incompetent loser who should never try new jobs as I suck at them. I also feel pretty anxious and very sad. 

One of the joys of having depression and anxiety is a chicken and egg situation. Am I anxious and sad because I don’t feel like I’m doing well at my new job, or do I feel like I’m not doing well because I have depression and anxiety? Both of these conditions affect my self-confidence, so it seems to make sense that the depression and anxiety are causing these feelings of inadequacy, but it’s impossible to know.

Why Are We The Last Person We Can Rely On?

I don’t think I am alone in being my harshest critic. I’ve heard people running themselves down far too often to believe it’s just me. The question then is WHY? Surely the one person we ought to be able to rely on for support is ourselves? We should be our biggest cheerleader, our best friend, the person who tells us we are AWESOME and can do anything we set our minds to. So why aren’t we? Why do I appear to be in a toxic, borderline abusive relationship with myself? Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Possibilities

Obviously, I have no idea what the answer to those questions is, so these suggestions are musings more than anything. It’s a brainstorm to see what I come up with because honestly, now that I think deeply about it, I can see that I need to sort my shit out. Why are we so hard on ourselves? It’s stupid and just not right!

Depression

It’s easy to understand why this would be my first instinct. I have been depressed for a large percentage of my adult life, and I know 100% it affects my self-confidence. Depression makes you see the worst in every situation, so if there’s a bad way to look at what you’ve some you will. It’s definitely part of the faulty thinking caused by depression, and we need to fight it.

Learned Behaviour

A lot of our attitudes about things are a result of the way our parents and loved ones spoke and acted when we were young. Many of us grew up hearing those closest to us berating themselves or making self-deprecating jokes. Kids’ minds are incredibly pliable, so possibly we are trained that that is just what you say. If you say almost anything often enough, you’ll come to believe it, so maybe it’s a generational curse and a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Society

I talk a lot in my body liberation pieces about how society, particularly the beauty, fashion and diet industries, tell 95% of us that there is something wrong with our bodies. We are either too fat, too thin, not curvy enough, the wrong shape, too short, too tall…the list goes on and on. With all that bombardment, is it any wonder that we feel bad about ourselves. Or that those bad feelings morph over time into a constant stream of negativity directed inward? 

That’s why I’m so passionate about body liberation. If we constantly distil our worth, or lack thereof, to a certain body type that’s impossible to achieve, how can we possibly see the good in ourselves? Let’s suppose we genuinely believe that our body is unacceptable and that we as a person will not be worthy or even acceptable until our body is. In that case, that will lead to nowhere except self-hate and constant self-criticism. When asking the question why are we so hard on ourselves I think this is a big part of the answer.

Fixes

I suspect there’s no definitive reason as to why we are so hard on ourselves. If you have any thoughts, please pop them in the comments. I’d be fascinated to hear other people’s thoughts on this. In the meantime, though, what can we do to fix it? Again, I don’t have this sorted in my own life, so these are guesses or strategies that I need to try. If they make sense to you, feel free to try them.

Affirmations

I know, I know! The very idea of affirmations makes me want to cringe! However, we do need to start talking positively to ourselves. I’ve been reading Fitness For Every Body by the fabulous Meg Boggs. In it she writes about following a piece of advice to look in the mirror every day and say, “Dang, I’m the bomb!”. Meg is quite candid that she often didn’t believe it, but that first time she laughed as it felt so silly, but in a good way. 

I am not American and could not take myself seriously if I ever said, “Dang”, so I am going to try saying, “You are a total badass”. I’m going to say it to myself in the mirror at least once a day and see how I get on.

Challenge The Words

This will be harder as the belief that I’m stupid is so ingrained that countering it is going to take serious work. However, I am going to try to counter any negative comments that I make about myself. If you’re like me, you do it so often that countering it will be difficult as you don’t even notice it anymore. I know I don’t! Things will never get better if I don’t try to change them.

Make A List

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I love lists! They give a pleasing sense of order and organisation to my life. I am going to write a list of everything good about me and read it regularly. I’m going to cover physical, mental and emotional talents and where possible, I’m going to add to it regularly as more ideas come to me. I need to remind myself there is more good than bad, and as I tell myself the bad all the damn time, I need to make sure I do it a lot.

Takeaways

I’m not sure there’s a definite answer to the question why are we so hard on ourselves, but I hope you find my musings helpful. Feel free to share any thoughts or tips you might have below, particularly if you’re a positive person by nature. I need to know your secret! Til next time, take care everyone.