5 Ways To Support A Loved One Without Harming Yourself
Hi Musers, life has been a little tough recently. As you will know if you’ve popped by before, Mike (my husband) has had problems with anxiety for a long time. So I’m used to getting him through it, and it usually doesn’t take too much of a toll on me. Lately, though, it’s been different. Mike has developed depression, and he’s been more challenging to support.
The reason it’s hard to support a loved one in this situation is because, firstly, I don’t have a game plan for it. Depression and anxiety need to be handled differently, so I’m making it up as I go.
Secondly, my mental health isn’t great right now. I stopped taking the venlafaxine I was taking for my depression. It was stopping me from sleeping, and that was far worse than a low mood. So that leaves me unmedicated and still very tired. It’s hard to cope under these circumstances.
Sadly, life doesn’t oblige with only throwing shit at us when we’re feeling in top form. Mike needs me, so I have to take care of myself while I support him. This is how I plan to do it.
Sleep
Now that I can sleep, I’m going to make sure I get the rest my body needs. I never feel fully refreshed, but after at least 7 hours, I feel more able to cope. However packed your life is, make sure that you let your body and brain get the rest it needs. Nothing will affect your mood faster than being exhausted. There’s no way you can support a loved one while feeling drained yourself.
Make Time For Me
Mike needs a lot of support, and because he’s been feeling very low, he wasn’t doing much besides sleep. That means I’ve also had to do a bit more housework. I’ve also been working overtime, doing writing jobs and writing this blog.
That’s why I make sure to carve pieces of time where I can take a break. For example, recently I discovered a restaurant near work that sells the most delicious mac and cheese I’ve ever had in my life. I’ve had a really shitty week, and after an hour to myself eating fantastic food, I felt better. I’d love to have a relaxing bath but because I have a new tattoo I’m not allowed for another 2-3 weeks 😫
So, if you need to support a loved one, make sure you practice self care. Have a quiet meal with a good book and something delicious, watch your favourite movie, take a long bath. Do something nice for yourself. It’ll help recharge your batteries and ensure you can continue to help.
Reach Out For Help If I Need It
I’m very lucky in that I’m very close to my sister, and she knows Mike very well too. It means she can be there for me if I need to talk and give Mike support. Jayne kinda gets screwed here, doesn’t she? 😉 The key thing, though, is that if you’re putting a lot of physical, mental and emotional energy into supporting someone else, it’ll take its toll on you.
Make sure you have someone you can turn to for advice, a hug, a sounding board or whatever else you might need. Trying to support a loved one who is struggling can take a huge amount out of you, so make sure you have a support system in place.
As well as having friends and family to help you, please make sure that you don’t need to enlist professional help. Caring for another person is hard and sometimes they may need more help than you can give them. If you need to please remember that doctors, counsellors and charities can all offer extra support of you need it.
Be Prepared To Walk Away
No, I’m not talking about getting a divorce! As someone with a lot of experience with depression, I can assure you that people in a depressed or anxious state are not always the most rational. If you pair that with the fact that couples or families almost always know how to push each others’ buttons, it means you can end up in a fairly destructive conversation or argument.
There is no point in trying to reach any good place when this happens. They’re depressed or anxious, and you’re exhausted and overwrought. All it will do is keep spiralling and getting more emotional until you have such a bad argument it can take a long time for the emotional wounds to heal. It will also likely make both of you feel worse meaning they will need support for longer, and you may not be able to offer it.
Do both of you a favour and be prepared to walk away. Take a time out, get a hot drink, talk to a friend, go for a walk, or even go to the gym. Do what you need to to calm down and decompress. Trust me; it’s the only way to go!
Have A Plan
I don’t know if it’s come across yet, but I love organisation. I’m all about lists, schedules and backup plans. As I work an 8.5 hour day, have my house, my cats, paid writing gigs, and this blog, I have a lot going on. While I can’t force Mike to need extra care in assigned slots (obviously), I can try and plan my time to make sure I get everything I need to do done.
If you feel overwhelmed when you need to support a loved one, you might find that making a schedule helps you feel more secure. It can reassure you that there is enough time to get your essential tasks in, offer support and sneak in some me-time. Even if you have to move things around, you’ll know exactly when your free time is so you won’t stress about it.
CMoo Out
That’s all for now, Musers. I’m gonna try and keep my chin up and look after myself while supporting Mike. I hope you’re all ok, and I would love it if you’d like to share any tips you have for supporting loved ones. Please pop them the comments as I’d love to hear what you think.
If you’re looking for more advice on mental health issues, please check out my resource page.
